“Toughest job in the world is to get a hug from dad… congratulations, you decoded the formula,” reads a comment below an Instagram reel, viral with over twelve million views, showing a father hugging his son on the latter’s surprise homecoming. This is just one of the thousands of similar comments that flooded the video.
In the video, the son, hiding in an adjoining room, surprises his father as he walks into the house. The father’s initial confusion quickly gives way to elation. He rushes to embrace his son, not before playfully punching him. They are seen sharing a long, warm, tight hug with gleaming smiles.
Watch the video here:
Scores of men assembled in the comment section of this video, longing to share a similar moment with their fathers. That so many adults were moved by the unassuming video is quite telling. “It’s difficult for two men to convey their feelings entirely with each other,” said Sreejith, a care worker.
This Father’s Day, indianexpress.com attempted to understand the complex equation between fathers and sons, why most fathers are not physically affectionate, how men of today view fatherhood, and more.
Why are fathers the way they are?
The responses to this video are testaments to the pervasive effects of “toxic masculinity” that perpetuates notions equating “manliness” with aggression, domination, devaluation of women, and even homophobia. This, combined with the long-lasting, insidious impact of patriarchy, affects all boys and men in some fashion.
For instance, when a man commented sharing how he ensures he hugs his son everyday despite never being hugged by his own father, a few men warned him saying, “Don’t raise your son weak.”
“Physical touch is extremely gendered,” said psychologist and educator Dr Itisha Nagar. “You associate being vulnerable with women, and hugging, too, is considered vulnerable. Thus people believe you’re making your son weak and he is going to act like a girl,” she said. “You are not making your kids weak, you are starving them of intimacy, this is how patriarchy dehumanises men too.”
“Fathers teach their sons to be ‘tough’ and ‘strong’. If you ever get emotional or be vulnerable, you are even called ‘fatherless’,” said a student, who wished to remain anonymous. When asked about this, Nagar said, “Being ‘strong’ is attributed with being non-emotional and non-affective, qualities associated with ‘masculinity’ in many cultures.”
Boys are often misled into believing that any display of vulnerability is a shame to their gender role, and men who step into fatherhood are told they need to be tough taskmasters–– authoritarian figures kids will be wary of––devoid of any warmth.
The idolisation of some right-wing Internet personalities and their toxic rhetoric of ‘alpha-male’ masculinity by young boys can lead to insecurities that ends up manifesting externally through destructive and aggressive behaviours.
“These are likely to be the kinds of boys who, without intervention, are going to become fathers who’ll repeat the very similar cycles of neglect and abuse with their own sons,” said Nagar.
The times they are a-changin’
Fathers of today are more involved in their children’s lives, and this change has come about because of gender stereotypes being regularly challenged over time.
“I don’t have a gendered view of parenthood” says Adarsh Menon, a student of PES University, when asked what he thought were the responsibilities of being a father. “In my opinion, a father should be responsible for the child’s physical, mental and emotional wellbeing” Menon said.
With education, awareness, and the proliferation of parenting resources available on the Internet, cultural attitudes are slowly but surely evolving.
In contrast with their predecessors, ‘new-age’ fathers are definitely more open in terms of being emotionally available for their kids. Many express a desire to be ‘friends’ with their teenage and young adult sons.
Nagar urges fathers hesitant to engage their sons in a hug to question why and what is stopping them from openly expressing love to their children. “A lot of times, fathers don’t realise that because they’ve been put in this patriarchal position of unfortunately having to be that scary, authoritative figure. They were never really able to tell their kids that beyond that facade, they do truly love them. A hug and an affirmation can go a long way in conveying that for you” she said.
This small gesture, according to her, can be incredibly transformative for strengthening a father-son relationship. Letting go of egos and acknowledging what they mean to each other through a hug can be the first step to fostering a more understanding relationship between fathers and sons.
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